Life After May

As this day comes to a close, I found that putting my thoughts down here really helps a little. The thoughts going through my head have not been the best. Tomorrow, the 10th, will be 7 years since my mom passed away, and also 10 months since my wife passed away. My mom and my wife were really the only two people that I could be honest with in my whole life and not worry about being judged or mocked.

Since they passed away, I don’t really have anyone that I can be honest with about everything again. There have been many days that I wish I could turn to my mom and look for comfort and guidance on how to deal with my grief. I’m so sick of people telling me to just “move on” or “you gotta get back out there.” My own family, whenever I see them, asks me if I’m dating yet. In a way, I wish they could understand just a little what I’m going through. But then again, I wouldn’t wish this pain on anyone.

When I do think about what I might want in someone else, the same things always pop into my head. They are loving, compassionate, kind, funny, sexy, beautiful, and smart. My wife Melanie was all these things. The very next thing that pops into my head is her face. She just had the look about her that she was just the most loving, kind, and compassionate person in the world. Eventually, I catch myself really wanting all the things that made her perfect for me, what I want in someone else. This just lets me know that, as of this moment, I am content to be alone the rest of my life. Because even though Melanie is not here physically, she is still here in my mind and my heart.